Melted Chocolate
He cleared his throat, and looked at her hard, but avoided her eyes. He massaged his chin with the roughness of his fingertips. His watering eyes scanned the plain white ceiling, looking for an answer inside the cracks and chipped paint in the corners. He met her eyes at last.
“Wh…what did you call it?” He asked.
“A lesbian, Dad. I’m a lesbian.” She replied. She played with her fingertips and took a deep breath. Tara knew that her father would take this hard. He wasn’t the religious type, but he wasn’t liberal either. She dreaded telling him, but things with Samantha had gotten serious. It was hard to continue lying to him with the things she felt and constantly thought about.
He looked down at the table, holding back the threatening water in his eyes.
“My daughter’s a lesbian.” He muttered under his breath, but Tara had heard it. It didn’t surprise her.
“It’s not that bad, Dad.” She said, trying to comfort him.
“Not that bad?!” He yelled, slamming his fist on the table. The liquid in his eyes began spilling over, but his eyes only showed rage, not sorrow.
“I raised a whore!” he screamed.
“I’m not a whore, Daddy…I just don’t like boys.” Tara said, her voice shaking. He got up from the table, and threw the chair on the ground.
“Dad…wait!” She shouted as he made his way toward the vacant doorway. He stopped in his tracks when he heard her yell. He whipped himself around and planted his right palm on the table, leaning close to her.
“Get out of my house.” He muttered. His left hand pointed toward the door. Tara’s eyes started to water too, now. She didn’t reply.
“I said get out!” He screamed again. Tara shuddered, then ran out the door crying. Her father shut the door behind her.
Barefoot, Tara ran down the street until she found a rocky, dirt path that led into the backwoods. She trudged her bruised feet through the path until she was met with a thin, brunette woman sitting in the dirt, drawing shapes into the ground with a broken twig. She wore a haltered purple dress with a yellow ribbon tied around the middle, and her matching violet eyes met with Tara’s emerald ones. The girl swallowed.
“I take it it didn’t go well.” She said, softly.
“No.” Tara replied, desperately trying to keep her composure. She failed. Her voice shook as she said the word, and she was bawling within seconds. Samantha got up and wrapped her arms around Tara’s waist.
It’s okay. She whispered, over and over again in Tara’s ear. It’s going to be okay.
They stayed like that for a while. Tara lifted her head from Samantha’s soaking shoulder, and ran her fingers through her brown waves. She smiled as she looked into her eyes.
“I’m going to miss you.” She said. Samantha’s brow twitched. She forcefully pulled Tara’s hand out of her hair.
“No.” She said. “No. You promised this wouldn’t be the end of us.”
“He’s my father…”
“No.” Tara looked down, but only long enough for Samantha to pull her head up to face her again. She smiled, hoping Tara would return it. She did.
“Tomorrow’s Saturday.” Samantha said. Tara’s smile grew wider.
“I know.” She replied. They smiled in silence for a minute.
“It’s your turn to pick where we go.” Tara reminded.
“I know. I’ve already chosen it.” Samantha said.
“Where, then?”
“The beach.”
——
Tara stuck her toes in the sand, playing with the feeling it gave them. She flung her head back and gazed at the sun through her tinted glasses. She exhaled in sync with the waves crashing onto the wet sand. She heard a pair of sandals slide next to her.
“Sorry I’m late. I had to stop somewhere on the way.”
“You’re never late.” Tara didn’t look at Samantha. She locked her gaze on the sun.
“Yeah, but it was important.”
“What’s so important? You’re never late.” Tara snapped. Samantha looked down at the paper bag in her hand. She let the silence linger for a moment before saying something again.
“I bought you some chocolate.” She hopefully said.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Tara, stop.” Tara looked down and played with her fingertips. It was a nervous habit of hers, anytime she was scared of a reaction.
“What if it isn’t worth it?” She asked. Samantha’s hands went to Tara’s eyes before they could overflow with tears again. She smiled, and Tara returned it. Tara always told Samantha that she had a contagious smile.
“I want to ask you some things.” Samantha said. Tara took a deep breath and told her okay.
“Three questions.” Tara gave her the okay again.
“Question one: Do you love me? Truly and undoubtedly? With the marrow of your bones?” Tara chuckled.
“That’s more than one question…but yes, Samantha, I do.” Samantha smiled.
“Okay, question two: how long do you want to be with me?”
“Forever.” Samantha could feel her knuckles shaking.
“Final question: Are you sure?”
“Yes…why?” Tara asked, confused. Samantha just smiled.
“Follow me.” She grabbed Tara’s hand, and the paper bag with her free hand. They walked through the sand in the scorching sun. Tara’s mind was racing. She didn’t know what to think, what to say, or what was happening. Samantha simply wore a big smile on her face as they reached the boardwalk next to the water. A cruise ship sailed by in the distance. Samantha stopped. She watched as Tara took in the scenery. The water, the ship, Samantha’s clutch on the bag of chocolates.
“Why did you bring that? I’m really not hungry.” She said, but Samantha ignored her question.
“Do you like it?” Samantha asked.
“Like what?”
“The cruise ship.” Tara smiled. She knew what was going on now. She figured out that Samantha had planned a vacation, a getaway for just the two of them. A vacation on a cruise ship for just her and Samantha. She didn’t realize how big her smile was until she had to reply.
“Yes, I love it.” Samantha returned her smile.
“Good.” She said. She let go of Tara’s hand, and knelt on the ground to dig through the paper bag. She pulled out a black box.
“…because that’s where our reception will be.” She opened the box to reveal, not chocolate, but a twisted band holding a large diamond in the middle.
-xLLSx-
(via reckless-lovee)
Jacob and Anna
Anna.
“Why?” I thought. “Why is this happening?”
I shrugged on a sweater over my elegant silk and lace dress. My eyes closed as I sobbed to the waves as everyone stood behind me, silently praying that he would come.
Secretly, though, I knew he never would.
-One day earlier-
“Are you almost ready?” I asked, impatient. Being a woman, it’s stereotypical that I would be the one taking an hour to get ready for my rehearsal dinner.
“Yes.” He said, but it sounded sad. I walked into the bathroom and put a hand on his shoulder.
“Are you alright, love?” I asked, concerned. He avoided my eyes, constantly looking down, into the mirror, or up at the ceiling.
“I guess.” He answered.
“Just think, darling. At this time tomorrow, we’ll be married.” I said, in an effort to cheer him up. I smiled brightly at the idea, but he barely returned it. He gave a small, pathetic smile.
“Of course.” He said, and frowned again. I frowned with him, and began to worry.
“Is something wrong?”
“Just tired. Let’s just go or we’ll be late, okay?” He said. I tried to push any negative thoughts out of my mind, but I couldn’t help but worry.
Jacob was more lively at the rehearsal dinner. He was himself again. He laughed, joked, and smiled brightly at the toasts that some of his family had made to us. He also ate plenty, so I assumed he was alright. However, he still refused to look into my eyes. Any time I would tell him I loved him, he’d say it back without looking. Maybe he really was just tired.
When we returned home, it was very late. We basically went straight to bed, but it was different. I knew something was wrong now. No late-night talks or kisses before bed. Just a turn away from me, a sigh, and an “I’m tired, goodnight.” No ‘sweetheart.’ No ‘honeyboo.’ Just goodnight.
“…Goodnight.” I said, hoping he’d pick up on the sorrow in my voice and reassure me that everything was okay. He didn’t. He simply went to sleep.
I hope he won’t call off the wedding tomorrow. As of tonight, that is my greatest fear.
-Two Days Earlier-
“Jacob?” I called through the house. I slipped off my heels and placed my shopping bags onto the floor. I checked in the study, and there he was, sitting on his laptop. I quietly walked up behind him, placing my head just above his shoulder to creep on what he was doing, but he was only checking e-mail.
“Hey honey! What are you doing?” I said, loudly. I must have startled him, because not only did he jump, but he shut his laptop instantly and had a panicked look on his face when he turned to face me.
“H-hey, Anna. I didn’t know you were coming home this early!”
“Alice had to leave early to pick up her son. The school called saying he wasn’t feeling well.”
“Oh, oh, okay.” He said. He still sounded a little shaken.
“Are you alright? You look as if I just caught you doing something horribly wrong.” He started laughing.
“Haha! No, no. I’d never do anything like that. Never.” He reassured me, but he was acting really strange.
“…Okay, then. Remember we have the rehearsal dinner tomorrow. Do you know what you’re going to wear and everything?”
“Yes. Don’t take an hour to get ready this time!” He shouted at me. I giggled.
“I’ll try my best.” I said. I smiled, and he returned it.
Jacob.
Tears flowed down my face as I tried to keep my eyes on the road. I ripped the bowtie off my tux in anger as I slammed on the horn for the idiots in front of me to go faster.
“What have I done?” I thought. “Her heart is probably in pieces. Was it really worth it?”
-One Day Earlier-
I splashed water on my face, and bathed it with my hands. I looked straight into my eyes through the mirror.
“Who are you?” I asked myself. “What are you going to do? What should you do? Who should you hurt?” I dried my face with a towel, and adjusted my tie.
“Are you almost ready?” I heard her ask. I tried to contain my inner feelings and reply with a mask of happiness.
“Yes.” I replied. I failed, and I knew she had noticed. Next thing I know, she’s right next to me with a hand on my shoulder.
“Are you alright, love?” She asked, staring directly at me. I knew I would break down if I looked into her eyes. I avoided them at all costs.
“I guess.” I answered.
“Just think, darling. At this time tomorrow, we’ll be married.” She said. I could tell she was trying to cheer me up, but she had no idea what was really going on. I couldn’t tell her, so I buried it inside and attempted at faking a smile to return her large, gorgeous one.
“Of course.” I replied, and my fake smile faded. Her real one left with mine.
“Is something wrong?” She asked.
“Just tired. Let’s just go or we’ll be late, okay?” I knew she didn’t believe my lie, but she still bought it, and we left.
It was easier pretending to be happy at the rehearsal dinner, surrounded by more people other than Anna. It was easier to put on a show. I returned all of Anna’s “I love you”s as well. I think maybe she’ll be worrying less now, being reassured that I still do love her.
When we returned home, I was emotionally exhausted from putting on a smile for so long. A crawled into bed with a simple “I’m tired. Goodnight.”
“…Goodnight.” I heard her reply, sorrowfully. I didn’t turn around though. I lied there and stared at the wall for hours, wondering what I should do.
-Two Days Earlier-
I stared at the screen in awe, not knowing what to do or how to reply back.
“Dear Jacob,” The e-mail read.
“I know this is a terrible time, and I’m sorry, but I have to say it. You can go ahead and delete this after reading it and I will completely understand, but I have to say it. I saw you walking with Anna the other day, linking hands, and I realized that I’ve never truly gotten over you. You’re my entire life and I was stupid and naive to leave you for Marcus. Marcus never treat me as well as you did. You were always so much better than him and I realize that now. I regret that it’s taken me so long, but I realize it. And if you’d give me the chance, I’ll love you like you should be loved. But if you won’t, I’ll understand. If you’re happy, I’m happy.
Love, Janette.”
Janette. My ex-girlfriend from two years ago who broke my heart into a million pieces after leaving me for her ex. Her ex that never treated her right, even when they were together.
My hands shook. My palms were sweaty. Deep down, I knew I still loved her too. I loved Anna, but I never got over Janette. Not for a second.
“Dear Janette” I typed.
“I’m with Anna now. I’m marrying her in two days. I don’t know how to respond to your message.
To tell you the truth, I never got over you either. I think about you a lot. But I also think about what you did to me a lot. And I’m not sure I can trust you again.
From, Jacob.”
I refreshed the page a lot, hoping she was still online, hoping that I could have a direct conversation with her. Luckily, I could. I opened my next e-mail.
“Dear Jacob,
I understand if you love her more. I’m sorry for butting in on your life. Even with feelings for me, I can’t be getting myself into your life again when you are getting married soon.
Just know that you could trust me again if you ever were to come back.
Love, Janette.”
I thought to myself before writing another e-mail. Do I really love Anna more? Janette and I never really got the chance to get married, or even to become serious enough to think about it. Suddenly, I wasn’t sure.
“Dear Janette” I wrote.
“I’m not sure anymore. I love you, and I love Anna. What should I do?”
I sent it, just like that. One simple line, without a signature. She replied quickly as well.
“Dear Jacob,
If you decide you want to be with me, come to my house on Saturday.” That was all she wrote. Saturday is my wedding day. I had a lot to think about before then.
“Hey honey! What are you doing?” I suddenly heard in a loud feminine voice behind me. I quickly shut my laptop before she could see who I was talking to and I turned to face her to make sure. She was smiling, so I assumed she saw nothing.
“H-hey Anna. I didn’t know you were coming home this early!” I said. I was trying to stay calm, but it wasn’t working very well.
“Alice had to leave early to pick up her son. The school called saying he wasn’t feeling well.”
“Oh, oh, okay.” I was stumbling over my words, desperately trying to keep it together.
“Are you alright? You look as if I just caught you doing something horribly wrong.” Instinctively, I started laughing really hard. I was always a terrible liar, especially to Anna.
“Haha! No, no. I’d never do anything like that. Never.”
“…Okay, then. Remember we have the rehearsal dinner tomorrow. Do you know what you’re going to wear and everything?” She asked. She sounded suspicious of my strange behavior.
“Yes. Don’t take an hour to get ready this time!” I shouted at her. Girls always take a long time to get ready, as if they have to sit there and think about life decisions while putting on a dress.
“I’ll try my best.” She replied. She smiled, and I tried my best to return it.
-xLLSx-
(Source: weheartit.com, via reckless-lovee)
you know who she really loves
The Wrong Decision
If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout my life, it’s that you should never tell the truth when a lie can save you. Fortunately, I’ve never had to use this piece of knowledge, until tonight.
It wasn’t my fault. She hurt me. She shattered me to pieces by asking for that break. I don’t know how any guy could possibly be okay after going through something like that.
You ask a girl to marry you, and she says no. Then when that isn’t hard enough, she tells you the very next day that she needs a break from the relationship because she may or may not have developed a crush on your best friend. How could any man go through something like that, and then not turn to anything to comfort him?
After all, I couldn’t turn to Jacob after I had just found out that he was the object of her attraction. I know that turning to alcohol was the wrong decision. I know how I am when I’m drunk, but I did it anyway.
If I tell her what happened, she’ll never come back to me. I’ll lose every chance she would even consider giving me.
And I just can’t afford to lose her.
“Hey, Jessica. It’s me again. Please, call me back soon. I need to talk to you. I just miss you so-” I had left her what seemed like a thousand messages, until she finally picked up mid-message this time, just like I’d been hoping she would do.
“Hey.” She said. She only said. I still smiled.
“Hey. So you finally answered me.” I chuckled, still giddy that she finally wanted to talk.
“Do you want to go out? I think we should talk.” She offered.
“Yeah, sure! Did you eat dinner yet? I can take you out to that Italian place that you love.”
“Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll meet you there at 7.” And she hung up. It stung that she didn’t say ‘I love you’ nor did she even say goodbye, but those were minor details. I got to see her again, and with high hopes of working things out, I quickly got in my car. I realized I had forgotten my jacket, and January nights were not something to rave about in just a t-shirt. It was pitch black already, and the forecast said it was going to rain. I just hoped it wouldn’t start until after my date with Jessica. I hate driving in the rain.
I remembered that she always wanted to dance in the rain. Whether it was January or July, it didn’t matter.
‘I want someone to sweep me off my feet, but only emotionally. I want him to grab my hand, put his other hand on my waist, and sway with me in the pouring rain. I want to kiss at times, and just enjoy the moment together in harmony. Whether it’s in January or July, it doesn’t matter. Lord knows I would not be paying attention to the weather!’
She said that when we were nothing. Long before we had started dating, when we were only friends. My everything, being just a friend. It’s hard to imagine.
I was lucky that it hadn’t even drizzled during the drive to Alfredo’s, and the parking lot was pretty vacant, being that it was only a Wednesday night. I spotted her instantly within my first steps into the restaurant, and sat down across from her. She looked sad, but she smiled when I sat down.
“Hey.” She said.
“Hey.” I said back, a little more enthusiastically than she did. I was trying to control myself, and not make it so obvious to her that I was so overly excited to see her again. A waitress came over and asked us what we wanted to drink. I ordered a diet coke as usual, but Jessica ordered an iced water.
“Okay, what’s wrong?” I asked her once the waitress left. She looked at me, confused.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you never order water.” It’s true. The only times she has ever ordered water from a restaurant was our first date, our anniversary night, and the day she confessed her attraction to Jacob and desire for a break. She orders water when she’s nervous, because there’s nothing to it. Soda has caffeine that can make you jumpy, and anything alcoholic will alter your words.
“I’m just in one of those moods, you know.” She answered, casually. I nodded, but gave her a smirk that she pretended not to notice.
“So, how have you been?”
“Do you want the truth or the lie?”
“The truth. Always the truth. No matter what it is, it’s best that I know.” That made my heart a little nervous. She made it seem like she knew, but it was impossible for her to know. I looked down for a moment, and then looked back up at her. My smile had disappeared.
“Well, I’ve spent every moment missing you. I’ve done nothing but eat, sleep, work, and wish that you were still lying next to me at night. I don’t do anything but pray for a time machine.”
“And why’s that?” She perked up when I said ‘time machine.’ It confused me. She seemed eager, while I was telling her how depressed I was without her. It didn’t seem to make any sense at all.
“I feel that if I didn’t propose, then maybe things wouldn’t have changed. Maybe you wouldn’t have started to like Jacob, and maybe you would still be mine.”
“Baby, I’m still yours. We’re on a break. It means that we’re still technically together, just keeping distance for a while. And all of that with Jacob is over. I was wrong. He isn’t the one for me like I’d thought. I guess I was just stressed out.”
“You didn’t have to move out.”
“I didn’t move out, really. I’m just not staying with you for the time being.” Another sharp pain went through my heart. I remember when ‘staying with you’ was once ‘home’ to her. Now it’s just a temporary place to live, I suppose.
We shared a silence for a long moment. The waitress came back with our drinks, and gave us another minute to order, since we had seemed so cold and distant. I took a gulp of my soda, and she took tiny little sips of her iced water. That’s another reason why I knew something was wrong when she ordered water. She hates it. I always thought it was strange that a person could dislike something that’s fully refreshing yet completely tasteless, but she had always surprised me in so many ways.
“So, that’s all?” She asked me, breaking the silence.
“What do you mean ‘that’s all’?” I questioned.
“That’s all you’ve been up to lately? There’s nothing you left out?” I took another gulp of my soda.
“No, darling. I really miss you, and that’s what I’ve been devoting my life to all this time. It’s because I really do love you with all of my heart.” She stared at me blankly, and actually looked kind of annoyed. She looked down, and shook her head a little. She muttered something, but it was inaudible. My heart began to sink with anxiety, but I reminded myself that it was impossible that she had found out.
“Alright, are we ready to order now?” The waitress came back and asked us.
“No, that’s okay. I’m not really that hungry.” Jessica got up and stormed out of the restaurant. I quickly apologized to the waitress and quickly followed after my love. Finally, I caught her outside in the middle of the parking lot. I grabbed her arm and turned her around to face me.
“Jessica, what are you doing?” I asked her.
“Roy, you’re an evil, cold man, you know that? And a dirty liar, too!” She said, crying.
“What are you talking about?” I asked. “Everything I said was true. I do miss you, and I do love you!”
“I know what you did!” She yelled. My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach, and I stared at her, speechless.
“I know what you did! Why didn’t you tell me? How could you keep it from me? I was willing to get back with you if only you had been honest with me!” She stood there screaming and crying at me, and I realized what an idiot I was. If I had told her, she would have been mine again.
I said nothing. I did nothing. I couldn’t move, and it was getting hard to breathe. I lost her. I lost her and it was all my fault.
She waited for me to answer for a few moments, and then gave up. She turned around, and started walking quickly to her car. I could see her hand rubbing the tears off of her face, and then it started raining. It started raining a decent amount when I saw her pull out of the parking lot and drive away.
With that, she was gone.
I fell to my knees, letting the rain wash away my endless amount of pain and overwhelming guilt.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout my life, it’s that you should never tell a lie when the truth can save you. Unfortunately, I never knew how to use this piece of knowledge, until tonight, when it was too late.
-xLLSx-
